Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.  The passengers begin glancing nervously,  searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows  realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
• You keep repeating yourself.
• You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
• Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
• You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
• You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 105 around the golf course.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
• If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."

George Burns 

 "I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time."

Greer Garson.

 "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."

George Burns 

"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate." 

Woody Allen 

"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."

George Burns. 

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did."

Robert Benchley

"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt."

Herbert Hoover

"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

Bob Hope

"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."

Rita Rudner

"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."

Patrick Moore

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.' Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'

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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.